Bike porn...GRRRRRR!

As every triathlete or cyclist knows, there is one feeling that eclipses all of life’s other emotions and experiences. Sure, reaching the top of a gruelling climb feels pretty cool; watching the bike computer nudge past 80kmph as you smash through a long downhill is awesome; that little internal sensation you get when you’re in a race and know – just know – that you’re in great form and killing it is sweet too…

But none of these come close to the sheer primal exhilarating rush of buying a new bike!

The next best thing to buying a new bike, of course, isn’t setting a new PB or winning a race… it’s showing off pictures of your latest steed. And so, in true Slowtwitch style… ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to my latest set of wheels.

BOOM! This little beauty is a brand-new (erm, well, about seven years old) Altra Bravo. You can try looking that up online but you won't find a website coz it's just so darn, like, custom and niche and specialist and stuff...

DING! Oh yeah... it's got a nice shiny bell from Halfords. Does your Shiv have that? Does it??? Didn't think so...

BANG! Look at that bottom bracket! And the kick stand! And the chain protector cover thing that keeps your chain a bit clean and stops your jeans from getting dirty. Cutting-edge.

BOSH! Told you it was cutting-edge. The T3 is, I believe, SRAM's response to Shimano's Di2 gearing. After all, who needs 20-odd gears when you can just have three? (has an added feature that means you have to actually hold the lever in 1st gear for it to stay, and have to stop pedalling for a couple of seconds to allow it to change).

WALLOP! That's a lock that goes through the back wheel. And a pannier rack. And some elastic thing. All fitted tightly around the back wheel mud guards for maximum aerodynamic efficiency. Apparently, the geniuses at Altra (or Bravo - not sure which is the brand and which is the model!) spent months in the wind tunnel perfecting this design.

PING! A rear-mounted extra scooter lock on the back tucked into the elastic thingymajobbies.

SQUEAK! Ohhhhh yeah. Now this is a bike riding saddle. How do I know? Coz it's got pictures of people riding bikes on it. Didn't think of that, did you ISM? Missed a trick there, hey Fizik?

Anyway, that's my latest bike. I realise that you're probably feeling pretty jealous now, so where can you pick one of these bad boys up? Well, RRP is €60 from some dude in southern Holland who has a house and harden full of second hand bikes (that may or may not be stolen...). You can find him on marktplaats.nl (Dutch ebay). Happy shopping.

Phwoar, look at the wheels on that!

A few weeks ago, I pointed out that throwing together a bit of carbon, a smattering of aerodynamic know-how, a couple of screws and a chain didn't always result in something swoon-worthy but, in the interest of fairness, I should point out that, most of the time, it does.

Tri bikes are beautiful, classy bits of kit that could be hung on the wall and admired for their sleek lines but, even when surrounded by a bevvy of luscious lovelies, some beauties still stand out a mile, as anyone who's been to a Swedish nightclub will tell you.

So (drumroll please), introducing our first contestant...a classic girl nextdoor cracker from the USA...

As I opened with a minging Trek last time, it seemed appropriate to redress the balance now. From another angle, you say? Alrighty...

The Trek Speed Concept is your classic looker - everything in the right place and well put together. For something American with a bit of bold Baywatch beauty about it, has sir considered the Scott Plasma?

Mmmmm. Or how about Specialized's new tri-specific Shiv? I'm not married but the Shiv makes me want to get married just so I can leave my wife to run off into the sunset with this bike.

Cor blimey! Look at the size of that downtube. 'A' grade bike porn!

I didn't know Louis Garneau made bikes but, judging by this effort, they should make more of them. Not sure why it's sat on an ironing board tho.

Sometimes it's all about where and how you meet. It could be the blue skies, or the sun twinkling on its Ferrari red frame, but this Guru Chrono does it for me.

 Unusual. Bit wide in the seat post. But I like it.

And not even a truly terrible wardrobe malfunction (white disc???) can detract from this little minx's beauty.

Never heard of Australian bike manufacturer Teschner before, but they build them nicely down under it seems.

But which is the slickest, sexiest TT bike of the lot? Real beauty surely comes from practicality - seeing something that is undeniably build for doing a certain job and gets it done with effortless grace and ease...like a Federer backhand. Therefore, true beauty in a tri bike is all about speed - looking fast - and for that reason the new BMC Time Machine gets my vote. Cadel Evans rode the hell out of it to win the Tour de France on the final time trial but, frankly, I'm pretty sure a one-legged grannie could set a land speed record on this thing just popping down the shops...just look at it - it looks mega fast. Stood still, it looks like it's champing at the bit to get out there and destroy all your competitors. In fact, it's so fast, it doesn't even need pedals.

One day, my lovely...one day.