Phwoar, look at the wheels on that!

A few weeks ago, I pointed out that throwing together a bit of carbon, a smattering of aerodynamic know-how, a couple of screws and a chain didn't always result in something swoon-worthy but, in the interest of fairness, I should point out that, most of the time, it does.

Tri bikes are beautiful, classy bits of kit that could be hung on the wall and admired for their sleek lines but, even when surrounded by a bevvy of luscious lovelies, some beauties still stand out a mile, as anyone who's been to a Swedish nightclub will tell you.

So (drumroll please), introducing our first contestant...a classic girl nextdoor cracker from the USA...

As I opened with a minging Trek last time, it seemed appropriate to redress the balance now. From another angle, you say? Alrighty...

The Trek Speed Concept is your classic looker - everything in the right place and well put together. For something American with a bit of bold Baywatch beauty about it, has sir considered the Scott Plasma?

Mmmmm. Or how about Specialized's new tri-specific Shiv? I'm not married but the Shiv makes me want to get married just so I can leave my wife to run off into the sunset with this bike.

Cor blimey! Look at the size of that downtube. 'A' grade bike porn!

I didn't know Louis Garneau made bikes but, judging by this effort, they should make more of them. Not sure why it's sat on an ironing board tho.

Sometimes it's all about where and how you meet. It could be the blue skies, or the sun twinkling on its Ferrari red frame, but this Guru Chrono does it for me.

 Unusual. Bit wide in the seat post. But I like it.

And not even a truly terrible wardrobe malfunction (white disc???) can detract from this little minx's beauty.

Never heard of Australian bike manufacturer Teschner before, but they build them nicely down under it seems.

But which is the slickest, sexiest TT bike of the lot? Real beauty surely comes from practicality - seeing something that is undeniably build for doing a certain job and gets it done with effortless grace and ease...like a Federer backhand. Therefore, true beauty in a tri bike is all about speed - looking fast - and for that reason the new BMC Time Machine gets my vote. Cadel Evans rode the hell out of it to win the Tour de France on the final time trial but, frankly, I'm pretty sure a one-legged grannie could set a land speed record on this thing just popping down the shops...just look at it - it looks mega fast. Stood still, it looks like it's champing at the bit to get out there and destroy all your competitors. In fact, it's so fast, it doesn't even need pedals.

One day, my lovely...one day.

The road to hell is lined with carbon

Triathletes are geeks. Full stop. Even the least nerdish are full-on mega-squares...it simply goes with the territory.

Whether we opt for a simple Timex watch, try a bog standard heart rate monitor or have the latest GPS Garmins on our wrists, we're geeks. No matter whether we're running in trusty Nike Pegasus, a low-slung racer or the newest, shiniest Newtons to his the shelves, we're nerds. And when it comes to tri suits, helmets, bike shoes, CO2, Trainin Peaks, Daily Mile, splits, skin suits, wetsuits...whatever...we're square.

But there's one area in which our full geekery comes out most...the bike. Bikes are, as a rule, things of utter beauty, mechanical marvels. The levels of engineering that go into tri bikes makes them even more sleek and slick. And add carbon anywhere on a bike, it simply magnifies the beauty of the steed.

In fact, it's impossible to make an ugly TT bike...or, so you'd think:

Trek, however, did try to create the world's ugliest tri bike by giving it vomit-inducing colours.

We shouldn't be surprised though, as Trek has something of a track record in puke coloured speed machines.

De Rosa, it seems, mistook this Trek bike for a challenge to produce the worst coloured two-wheeler in the history of mankind...

Yuk, bright yellow. he winner, surely, of the ugliest TT bike ever competition? Oh no, not by a long shot. Not if Quintana Roo has anything to say about it!

 Some bikes have nasty shapes and ridiculous frames. But some seem perfectly fine, but then the designer has a rush of blood to the head and decides on the worst paint job imaginable...

Other bike designers ask themselves "what colour should I make this new bike..? Ah, I know...all of them!"

If that Look TT bike comes across like half bike half 80s explosion, just imagine what you'd get if you cross-pollinated a triathlon bike with a mobility scooter:

 UURRRGH! Please, make it stop! It hurts my eyes. Although at least it shows some sort of imagination - unlike the world's most boring bike, inspired by a set square...

Yuk. Could they make this Giant Trinity any uglier..?

Er, yes, actually, it seems they could.
But it's not just the giant American/Taiwanese firms that are responsible for crimes against solo cycling. Even the old Italian firms famous for usually creating bikes that are more works of art than sporting equipment have made huge mistakes when it comes to TT bikes.

Bianchi, how could you? Oh no, Pinarello, not you too...

Although at least these are recognisable as bikes, with proper triangular frames...unlike this Kestrel monstrosity.

Look ma, no seat tube!

Look ma, no sense of aesthetics!
Ever thought about knocking up a time trial bike at home with things left lying around your garage...Mr Leader did!

Ever wondered what Batman would train on if he were a triathlete?

I say train because we all know that, if Batman really were a triathlete, he'd race on this Ceepo:

Holy aero helmet, Robin!
I think this may well be the ugliest of the lot. It actually makes me feel a little nauseous just looking at it.
Although, imagine you were one of the biggest bike manufacturers in the world and you'd spent millions on developing your new triathlon bike. You spend thousands of hours in the wind tunnel shaping it to cheat the laws of aerodynamics and mould them to its very wont, you'd tapped into the latest NASA discoveries to use a material that made the bike lighter than any of its predecessors. You'd painstakingly chosen colours that subconsciously strike fear into the heart of all those who dare try to get near it. And then, just days before you were about to release this game-changing triathlon behemoth, you realised you'd run out of money before you'd finished the seat post. That'd never happen, right? Well, Cannondale, I can't think of any other excuse for this...