The road to hell is lined with carbon

Triathletes are geeks. Full stop. Even the least nerdish are full-on mega-squares...it simply goes with the territory.

Whether we opt for a simple Timex watch, try a bog standard heart rate monitor or have the latest GPS Garmins on our wrists, we're geeks. No matter whether we're running in trusty Nike Pegasus, a low-slung racer or the newest, shiniest Newtons to his the shelves, we're nerds. And when it comes to tri suits, helmets, bike shoes, CO2, Trainin Peaks, Daily Mile, splits, skin suits, wetsuits...whatever...we're square.

But there's one area in which our full geekery comes out most...the bike. Bikes are, as a rule, things of utter beauty, mechanical marvels. The levels of engineering that go into tri bikes makes them even more sleek and slick. And add carbon anywhere on a bike, it simply magnifies the beauty of the steed.

In fact, it's impossible to make an ugly TT bike...or, so you'd think:

Trek, however, did try to create the world's ugliest tri bike by giving it vomit-inducing colours.

We shouldn't be surprised though, as Trek has something of a track record in puke coloured speed machines.

De Rosa, it seems, mistook this Trek bike for a challenge to produce the worst coloured two-wheeler in the history of mankind...

Yuk, bright yellow. he winner, surely, of the ugliest TT bike ever competition? Oh no, not by a long shot. Not if Quintana Roo has anything to say about it!

 Some bikes have nasty shapes and ridiculous frames. But some seem perfectly fine, but then the designer has a rush of blood to the head and decides on the worst paint job imaginable...

Other bike designers ask themselves "what colour should I make this new bike..? Ah, I know...all of them!"

If that Look TT bike comes across like half bike half 80s explosion, just imagine what you'd get if you cross-pollinated a triathlon bike with a mobility scooter:

 UURRRGH! Please, make it stop! It hurts my eyes. Although at least it shows some sort of imagination - unlike the world's most boring bike, inspired by a set square...

Yuk. Could they make this Giant Trinity any uglier..?

Er, yes, actually, it seems they could.
But it's not just the giant American/Taiwanese firms that are responsible for crimes against solo cycling. Even the old Italian firms famous for usually creating bikes that are more works of art than sporting equipment have made huge mistakes when it comes to TT bikes.

Bianchi, how could you? Oh no, Pinarello, not you too...

Although at least these are recognisable as bikes, with proper triangular frames...unlike this Kestrel monstrosity.

Look ma, no seat tube!

Look ma, no sense of aesthetics!
Ever thought about knocking up a time trial bike at home with things left lying around your garage...Mr Leader did!

Ever wondered what Batman would train on if he were a triathlete?

I say train because we all know that, if Batman really were a triathlete, he'd race on this Ceepo:

Holy aero helmet, Robin!
I think this may well be the ugliest of the lot. It actually makes me feel a little nauseous just looking at it.
Although, imagine you were one of the biggest bike manufacturers in the world and you'd spent millions on developing your new triathlon bike. You spend thousands of hours in the wind tunnel shaping it to cheat the laws of aerodynamics and mould them to its very wont, you'd tapped into the latest NASA discoveries to use a material that made the bike lighter than any of its predecessors. You'd painstakingly chosen colours that subconsciously strike fear into the heart of all those who dare try to get near it. And then, just days before you were about to release this game-changing triathlon behemoth, you realised you'd run out of money before you'd finished the seat post. That'd never happen, right? Well, Cannondale, I can't think of any other excuse for this...

Should amateur triathlon races have a 'semi pro' category?

Other than the couple of times I've managed to blag press passes and therefore enjoy swanning around the pit lane and sipping free drinks in the Paddock Club, I have to confess that I've never been a fan of Formula 1. It does nothing for me. But I love Jenson Button - he's a cool guy who seems humble and grateful while acknowledging how lucky he is and having a whale of a time with it. Exactly the type of millionaire we'd all like to think we'd be!

But it's not his attitude that I like; JB is a triathlete - and a bloody good one at that. There are two great rules in life: never trust a man who says he doesn't like football, and triathletes are always ace people. I've met a couple of exceptions, but on the whole they hold water.

However, I recently read an article singing JB's praises - a sort of 'how does he manage to do it all?' piece. Hang on a minute, I thought, this is a guy who's paid vast sums of money to stay fit. Swim/bike/run has been part of a driver's training for ages, and drivers from Alex Wurtz to Nico Rosberg have taken that further by participating in triathlon. JB gets his kit free from sponsors, I'm sure he's never paid an entry fee in return for a badly printed Fruit of the Loom t-shirt, and he has what not even Macca, Crowie, Chrissie or the Brownlees can afford: round the clock access to a wind tunnel.

Now, none of this detracts from what a damn fast triathlete JB is, but it seems a little unfair that, if I pitch up to the London Triathlon next year (another event, by the way, that is run by the devil's representatives on earth), I could be racing in the same category as basically the best funded pro triathlete on the planet!

Of course, this is unlikely to happen. But it did get me thinking about a scenario that occurs at every race in every country. I'm nowt special, but a decent enough triathlete - I'll come in the top 25% in most races, top 35% in the really big international ones and, in the smaller ones, I might even occasionally scrape a top 10. But of those who beat me, a decent percentage work either in the fitness industry or armed forces. Hardly fair that us pen-pushing, office-bound journalists, doctors, accountants, receptionists, telesales staff, MDs, CEOs, construction workers, HR managers...whatever...have to do an honest day's work and then head out to train, while these folks get paid to stay in shape! So, I propose a new 'semi pro' category of super fast guys and girls; while us desk jockeys do the real race. If they want a slice of the genuine action, they'll have to do the decent thing, give up their exciting and enviable careers and find a good, boring office job like the rest of us.

Just in case race organisers don't take me up on this, I'm going to organise my own triathlon. First, you have to blag your way into an exclusive invite-only event and eat a tray full of canapes and down 10 bottles of Peroni; next, organise a holiday for which you'll pay half or less of the actual price in return for promising editorial coverage; finally, you have to do a magazine deadline induced 48 hour straight shift, sustained solely by Burger King deliveries and bad instant coffee...ha, then we'll see how they like it when it's stacked in us journos' favour!