The Dream Team

This weekend marked the next chapter in my ‘tri career’ as it was my first set of group training sessions since joining Team Tri2Aspire. And I have to say, I really enjoyed it.

Being the type of person who likes to dive in head first (swimming reference...see what I did there, eh?) I guess this was the perfect weekend to start – it was Eid Al Adha here in the UAE which meant a four-day weekend for most folks. For us, that meant extra training sessions.

So, I popped my T2A cherry with a 120km group ride on Friday morning, which was a good session and a nice way to meet a few more people. We all have slightly different programmes to follow but mine had me jumping off the bike and doing an 8k run – my legs had me doing 6k instead of 8 tho, as they were in bits from a 23k run earlier in the week.  

The following morning, we were all on the beach at JBR at 7am for a sea swim session which I really enjoyed. A bit of warm-up and a few sprints were followed by an all-in race of about 900m. I sat on the feet of coach and Ian LP for the first 450m and then smashed the second half as hard as I could. I just beat coach to the beach but we were all at our absolute limits the whole way in, which was really knackering but cool. On the bad side, I got my first ever jellyfish stings – another, less desirable, cherry popped!

After a few hours at home, that night I tackled what the guys in the team have affectionately named the Coach Dirt run. And a fine name that is – it is dirty. Not in an unclean way; more of a filthy, disgusting, hideous painfest from hell...y’know, that kind of way. It involves an 8.5k cross-country run on tracks and dunes, followed immediately by a 5k all-in race back, with us all being set off at handicapped intervals based on our run times. I went out way too fast and then died a long, painful death...not a good performance but I know I’ll improve.

On Sunday morning, Longtoot called again – laps on the bike. I managed 95k (programme said 75k, but some others were carrying on for 120k, so 95k seemed like a good compromise with me having to get to work...as I said, it was a holiday for MOST folks!). I swam my ass off with Dubai Masters in the evening and then managed a few pints for a mate’s birthday before dragging that ass out of bed at 6am ready for another tough sea swim session, which also included runs up and down the beach between ‘laps’ of the buoys. Can’t wait till Wednesday for a day off, I can tell you.

I’ve found it tough but not undoable at all – I think a lot of the difficulty is because I’ve just been doing fun/light sessions since IM, so this is the first period of extended training in a few months.

And, as a newbie to team triathlon, what do I think of the set-up? As I explained before, I’d been reluctant to join a team as I enjoyed training solo and setting my own sessions – I wasn’t sure what a team would add to that. Now, however, I’m a convert.

Firstly, as there are always others around, I’ve found myself pushing harder in most the sessions – in fact, coach makes small races a part of the sessions, so I pushed much harder than I would have if I’d trained alone. Secondly, triathlon isn’t always the most social of pastimes due to the early morning bike rides and I can go weeks without seeing mates, having a drink or going out. Last night, I had a friend’s birthday drinks and was determined to get along and not cry off, as I have in the past due to training. It was a fun night and I didn’t get home till 1am and had to get up at 6am to make it to the sea swim – if I’d been doing it alone, I’d have definitely sacked off the session and probably stayed for a few more pints too. I guess you could call this accountability, but it’s also motivation. Finally, most sessions end with the whole team diving into a cafe for coffee or breakfast and I can’t explain how nice it is to sit and chat with people who are just as infatuated by and geeky about triathlon as I am! That social element is the real kicker, in my view. So, for the foreseeable future at least, I’d say there is an ‘I’ in ‘team’. Or a ‘me’ at least, to push this awkwardly contrived sentence to its disappointing conclusion.

I’m looking forward to getting a few more weeks under my belt and seeing the effect that this training has on my times. Although, after four early starts in a row balanced with work and a couple of extra sessions, right now I’m more looking forward to getting home, bashing out a quick Swiss ball/weights sesh and then getting my head down early. For most people it’s a boring early night, but as triathletes we get to call it ‘recovery’!

The Times They Are A’Changin’

I have to admit that, other than the occasional race report here and there, I’ve been seriously rubbish at keeping you, my dear, loyal, slightly mental blog readers, updated of late. The reason for this, like a devil’s pitchfork, is triple-pronged.

Firstly, after quite a bit of blogging in the run up to Ironman, I guess I just ran out of steam. Secondly, I’ve been adjusting to my new job (well, promotion – same company) which has been pretty tough as I seem to have all the same old responsibilities but a pile of new ones too! The final reason is, happily, triathlon related – I’ve been busily sorting a couple of things out.

The first big bit of news is that, after going it alone so far, I’ve joined Tri2Aspire – the top local triathlon team here in the UAE. Coached by an ex pro triathlete, Jason (worryingly also goes by names like The Tyrant and Coach Pain!), there are all sorts of levels in the team but at the top end are some really cracking athletes, with age group World Championships and Kona qualifications under their race belts. Impressive stuff.

As you know if you’ve been a regular blog follower, I’ve always really enjoyed the self-coaching element of triathlon and learning by doing but it’s an extra burden on an already busy schedule. This month, coach has sent me my schedule along with the reason I’m doing what I’m doing and where it’s leading in the greater scheme of things. But that’s not my only reason for joining T2A. Triathlon can be quite a lonely endeavour and, at times during my training for IM Wales, I found ploughing that lonely furrow even harder than the physical ‘getting er done’. The social element seems to play a big role in the team – from coffee after early morning swim sessions or cheering each other to PBs to having a training partner to push you that little bit harder...I’m looking forward to diving into my first team sessions this weekend. It’s a long weekend (Eid holidays) here in Dubai, so a great chance to really give the body a beating!

So, the second big tri related news? Ironman Austria, baby...hell yes! Registered, accommodation booked, flight almost sorted. Not till July 1^st next year but I’m already really excited. The goal is 11 hours...but there’s a long time between now and then, so we’ll have to see.

Once again, though, that team dynamic is playing a role as many of the other T2A members have entered Challenge Roth (another Iron distance race in similar terrain/conditions) which is just one week after IM Austria, meaning my experience of training for an IM this time around should be very different from last. Plus, it’ll be up to me to put in a good performance to set the tone for the other guys to follow. 

Race Report: Wadi Adventure Sprint Tri

It’s a great time to be involved with triathlon – and just as good a time to be involved in endurance sports here in the UAE. Once there were pretty slim pickings but now, during the winter months at least, you could take part in some form of racing just about every weekend. All these new events are great – adding real variety – but you also need to remember to be a little patient as they don’t always get everything right straight away.

Risen, but not shining.

Pre-packed: el bici en la boota

On then to last weekend’s race – it was centred around Wadi Adventure, a cool new rafting, kayaking and outdoor activities park in the inland town of Al Ain. Given that a lot of local tris kick off at 6am-ish, I was delighted to read that this event wouldn’t start till 8am. But then my heart sank a little when I worked out travel, allowing for getting lost etc...to cut a long story short, it was another 4am start!  

Attempted shot of sunrising in the desert from the car came out as quite a cool artsy pic.

Wadi Adventure itself is a great venue – about the cleanest changing facilities and most immaculate transition I’ve come across. There was a nice, relaxed vibe before the race (just 150 or so people were racing) and I even managed to get into the crystal-clear manmade lake for a long warm-up swim, which I rarely usually manage.

An empty transition.

A full transition.

The briefing, however, was a bit confused and ended up being a bit ‘well, you’ll know it when you get there’... famous last words. This is always a particular concern for me; as swimming is my strongest discipline, in all but the very top level of racing, I’m usually first out of the water and, now I’ve added a bit of strength to my cycling too, often first through a lot of the early stages of the bike course. Advice to race organisers part 1: if the course is anything less than a completely straightforward out and back or loop, give a very detailed map or, better still, use a map for the briefing so you can point and explain the route.

The flat flat flat lake for the swim.

The hooter sounded and, feeling good and conscious of my newfound confidence for going hard in the swim and not dying on the bike, I went as hard out as I ever have. The still swimming pool like waters made for fast swimming tho weren’t ideal as far as final positioning goes, as a rougher swim tends to work more to my advantage.

It was a two lap swim course and I came out of the water with one other swimmer – clearly a member of a relay team – in just under 9mins (750m swim). Later, quite a large bunch of us were told we’d missed a buoy on the first lap. It was only to the tune of maybe 5m overall but I’d offer another word of advice to race organisers here: if you’ve kayaks in the water anyway, one of them should be ahead of the lead swimmer. This always happens at the bigger events, as they recognise that everyone else can simply follow feet – the lead swimmers don’t have this luxury. We’d never cut a corner on purpose, but if you’re the first swimmer and you see a buoy, you’ll head for that – a kayak helps you not to make that honest mistake. Anyway, I think we ultimately weren’t given a time penalty as it was a very small advantage and so many people made the same detour.

Coming out of the swim (thanks to Probike.ae for the pic)

I was second out of T1, just the relay team was ahead, so I set about reeling in the relay rider in front, which I achieved quickly. I felt strong. After 8.5k, Nick Tipper came past me – to be expected and holding out that long was the mark that I was cycling pretty well. It was a multi-loop course with odd bits tacked on to the beginning and end and, to add to the confusion, T1 and T2 were in different places. I kept the pace up and kept my average up around 40kmph, which I was really happy with given that there was a long steady uphill stretch of about 1.5k on each of the loops. This, previously, would have been my downfall but since Wales I’ve been working hard on my bike strength and I kept the power on (for me!) as I charged past other triathletes that I was lapping. 

The good riding continued until the end of the second loop when I was directed by a marshal off the looped circuit and down a straight road – this made sense as there was a sign saying to do exactly this and, in the briefing, we’d been told it was two times around the loop before heading straight. I got a few hundred metres down that road when I realised I should be able to see Nick ahead, but couldn’t. I slowed and it occurred to me that this looked a lot like the road into transition – but my Garmin had only clocked 16-odd kilometres for the ride so far...it was obviously another loop. I swung around and headed back out, angrily chastising the marshal as I passed (I feel bad about this now – poor guy was only doing his best) but it was frustrating. Turned out I’d done more than one kilometre extra and a slow one at that, looking ahead and then having to turn around.

Back out on course, I recognise in retrospect that I went a little too hard trying to make up what I’d lost. Amazingly, I still seemed to be in second place tho. That lasted till 18.5k of the bike when Olivier Godart, a very strong triathlete who wins many of the local sprint races, stormed past me. I hit T2 just behind him (34min ride) and headed out on the run.

Final advice for race organisers: starting a race at 8:30am in the UAE isn’t ideal for us triathletes who don’t possess a lean, gazelle-like frame! It was well up into the mid to high 30s by the time we hit the run and I felt every degree of it. I could see Tom Muller (cracking young triathlete) wasn’t far behind me and knew I’d unlikely be able to hold him off on the run as he’s a much faster runner than I am. It was a tough, dry 5k and I suffered – Tom caught me after 4 and a bit kms, relegating me to 4^th (my 4^th 4^th of 2011 but still no podium!) and I took a long look behind, saw there was a huge gap and cantered in and across the finish line in a time of 1:06.

In terms of my time, I was actually pretty happy as, allowing for the time I lost on the bike mix-up and my easy finish, it would have probably vied for my 1:04 sprint PB. And this on a course that was a little windier and plenty hillier than the one my PB was set on. In some ways, I was a little gutted about the position – there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d have been far too far ahead in 3^rd place to be caught on the run if it hadn’t been for the misdirection; I also feel that my run paid for the extra 1.3km and the way I rode to ‘catch up’ that time.

But what goes around comes around – that’s the second time that something outside of my physical fitness and ability has cost me a podium (last time it was a mechanical) but if I race long enough and hard enough I’m sure I’ll be the beneficiary of someone else’s misfortune. Also, just as my 4^th in the Eton Sprint taught me to check my bike thoroughly pre-race, maybe I learned this time not to leave it to the briefing to check out the course. I know for sure that the next time I tackle a slightly odd multi-lapper, I’ll be keeping a closer eye on my Garmin too, and letting that determine when my laps are done rather than a marshal who has to guess just how many times 150 racers have been around!

Turns out I was far from the only athlete to make that mistake - many didn't realise until too late that they'd missed out a loop and were honest enough to come forward.

So, in short, a disappointing result but one with plenty of positives to take from it. And well done to Nick, Olivier and Tom who all raced brilliantly on what was a tough, honest course, as well as Heather and Cath who totally sandbagged all the girls and took the top two open female positions. Nice work!

Phwoar, look at the wheels on that!

A few weeks ago, I pointed out that throwing together a bit of carbon, a smattering of aerodynamic know-how, a couple of screws and a chain didn't always result in something swoon-worthy but, in the interest of fairness, I should point out that, most of the time, it does.

Tri bikes are beautiful, classy bits of kit that could be hung on the wall and admired for their sleek lines but, even when surrounded by a bevvy of luscious lovelies, some beauties still stand out a mile, as anyone who's been to a Swedish nightclub will tell you.

So (drumroll please), introducing our first contestant...a classic girl nextdoor cracker from the USA...

As I opened with a minging Trek last time, it seemed appropriate to redress the balance now. From another angle, you say? Alrighty...

The Trek Speed Concept is your classic looker - everything in the right place and well put together. For something American with a bit of bold Baywatch beauty about it, has sir considered the Scott Plasma?

Mmmmm. Or how about Specialized's new tri-specific Shiv? I'm not married but the Shiv makes me want to get married just so I can leave my wife to run off into the sunset with this bike.

Cor blimey! Look at the size of that downtube. 'A' grade bike porn!

I didn't know Louis Garneau made bikes but, judging by this effort, they should make more of them. Not sure why it's sat on an ironing board tho.

Sometimes it's all about where and how you meet. It could be the blue skies, or the sun twinkling on its Ferrari red frame, but this Guru Chrono does it for me.

 Unusual. Bit wide in the seat post. But I like it.

And not even a truly terrible wardrobe malfunction (white disc???) can detract from this little minx's beauty.

Never heard of Australian bike manufacturer Teschner before, but they build them nicely down under it seems.

But which is the slickest, sexiest TT bike of the lot? Real beauty surely comes from practicality - seeing something that is undeniably build for doing a certain job and gets it done with effortless grace and ease...like a Federer backhand. Therefore, true beauty in a tri bike is all about speed - looking fast - and for that reason the new BMC Time Machine gets my vote. Cadel Evans rode the hell out of it to win the Tour de France on the final time trial but, frankly, I'm pretty sure a one-legged grannie could set a land speed record on this thing just popping down the shops...just look at it - it looks mega fast. Stood still, it looks like it's champing at the bit to get out there and destroy all your competitors. In fact, it's so fast, it doesn't even need pedals.

One day, my lovely...one day.

Race report: Aerofit sprint tri in Ghantoot (race 2)

This Friday saw the second of our local sprint tri series held at the Golden Tulip Bungalows in Ghantoot. In spite of tired legs and a lack of training before the last race, I put in a really good performance, coming 7^th overall and 4^th in the open male category (three from the 40-50 category also beat me...those boys are quick!), so I was really keen to back that up with another decent performance this time.

Training had been going pretty well – lots of shorter high intensity work – but unfortunately I picked up a bit of a cold a couple of weeks ago which turned into a chest infection, laying me out for over a week. I wasn't too sure whether to race or not – especially after a really rubbish swim session on Wednesday night – but I felt OK on Thursday so decided to give it a shot. After all, I'd already paid the entry fee!

I got up at 3.55 and did my tried and tested ice coffee and porridge with sports drink and a Dairy Milk en route. The bike, once again, had been packed the night before and the bag was ready to go. I arrived nice and early, registered and found my place in transition. I stretched and warmed up a little more than I have in the past – a conscious decision as I often feel sluggish in the swim initially – and chatted with friends. I'm really loving the sport and the joy of racing right now...catching up with people in transition pre-race is a big part of that. I think my improvement over the summer (IM built a good base and the high intensity stuff is adding a bit more power) has brought me to a few other people's attention, as there were definitely a few more folk around who knew my name this time. That's a nice feeeling.

Setting up transition used to be quite stressful and time-consuming for me as I'd be so conscious of getting everything right and not forgetting anything. The good news, if you're new to triathlon and find the same, is that it gets way easier. It's now a pretty quick and automatic process.

The swim course changed a little from the slightly flawed last swim – in the briefing, they explained that it'd be a beach start, and then a two lap course with a small run along the beach between loops. I had a quick warm up (could do with more in future) and took my position near what I thought would be the most direct route to the first buoy.

The start was a little bit scrappy and some racers headed off before the klaxon. I didn't wait around to see if they'd be called back and everyone else seemed to have the same idea. It might have been messy, but the race was on. I ran as fast as I could, took a good dive and sprinted hard to the first buoy, making it first. There was quite a bit of wind blowing and the water was quite choppy, which I loved. It made it a fun swim and a more challenging one, which is always going to work out well for me. It also served to split up the field much more than usual.

The first loop flew by and I came out first just ahead of Ian Le Pelley, a great triathlete and strong swimmer, with Nick Tipper just behind him. By the time we'd run along the beach and got back in for the second loop, Ian had caught up a bit and was back on my feet but, feeling really good, I decided to put an extra strong burst in and really drop the hammer for the second loop, which worked out. I came out of the water clear in first and ran into transition feeling good. Time: 9 minutes.

Had a good quick transition (1:53 including the run in and out) and wasn't overtaken in the transition as has always happened in the past, meaning I was out on the bike in completely unfamiliar territory...leading the race! The bike leg is two loops of a 10k out and back route and, weirdly, I arrived at the roundabout that marks the 5k point and turnaround on the first lap, and I was still leading the race! I knew the wind would be with me on the way back so I cranked the bike up to a bigger gear and tried to keep the pace on hard. I knew I was going to be caught, but I made it my mission to get as far as I could before that happened.

In fact, it was about 8k in that Nick went past. Careful not to draft, I tried to stay with him for a bit but only managed a couple of hundred metres as he was really shifting. I hit the halfway point in second before Ed Hawkins – a brilliant triathlete who is fresh from the Ironman World Champs in Kona – came screaming past. I knew Ed was only doing the relay (still some post Hawaii fatigue in the legs, I expect) so it was understandable that he'd be moving quickly. Finally, after about 13km, Olivier Godart (the winner of the previous race) went past me extremely quickly and looking just so strong. It was easy to tell from where I was – the best seat in the house – that Nick and Olivier would be where the winner came from. But Olivier still had a lot of work to do.

At the final turnaround, I had the chance to check out where everyone else was behind me and was really chuffed to see that Ian hadn't eaten into my lead at all – if anything, I may have stretched it a little – and a few other guys who usually catch my swim lead back up on the bike were still a minute or more behind. It's so gratifying when you work at something (I've really concentrated on increasing my power on the bike since Ironman) and see tangible results.

All in all, it was a pretty lonely ride – no toing and froing like in the last race – and noone just in front or overtaking for me to pace off, so I was really happy that I managed to keep the pressure on and cycle hard. I came into T2 in third place overall (with a relay also ahead) having averaged almost exactly 40kmph (31 mins) for the 20k bike leg. Again, I transitioned well (1:10 including the long run in and out) and headed out for the run.

Right at the start of the run, there's a small incline and both my calves cramped quickly and painfully there, but as the terrain flattened out, the cramps passed and I could tell that they would work themselves out and not be more of a problem. I concentrated on running smooth and easy with a fast, light cadence and felt as good as I ever have on a sprint tri run. At the 1k mark, I was running just under 4:15 per km pace and felt good – smooth, even though I was certainly giving my all. Ben (who was marshalling) rode past me and told me I had about 1 minute on the next athlete. I saw Olivier and Nick head past me (Olivier was burning it up and had not only caught Nick but put about 15 seconds lead over him) and then I arrived at the halfway point and grabbed a water. It was really starting to hurt but I thought I could hold the same pace on the way back.

I passed a relay runner (who was next behind me) and then Ian, followed by a few other athletes. I was pretty sure that Ian had caught a decent chunk on me on the run so I tried to up the pace a bit, but really didn't have too much to give. The out and back course is great as I passed friends and other racers I know from swimming club etc and could see how they were looking and what their time was. I always try to give a few encouraging words when I do see them – even if I'm struggling with my own breath.

I dared not look behind and kept running hard – but I knew if I did get caught I didn't have anything more to give. I was willing the line closer. About 800m from the finish, I heard footsteps behind me and I mentally prayed that it was the relay runner who'd caught me but, unfortunately, with about 500m to go, it was Ian who ran past and into third place. I tried to respond and stay with him but he was just too fast – I looked behind and saw there was a huge gap back and so just kept a steady pace into the finish. Fourth place.

Sure, I was a little gutted to have been pipped to what would have been my first ever tri podium finish, but my time (1:04:11) was over a minute quicker than in the last race – and this on a slightly longer course (due to a short swim last time out). I ran the best I've ever run in a triathlon (20:40 for 5k) and beat a lot of guys for the first time – some of whom (like Roy Nasr who won the 40+ category with a storming 1:05) I've really looked up to and admired since I did my first race in Ghantoot a couple of years ago. I remember how fast those guys used to seem to me – it's mind-boggling (and a source of enormous pride) to me that I'm now able to mix it with them. The guys who beat me are superb triathletes – Ian has represented the UK in Commonwealth Games and age group champs, but has been plagued by injuries. To be honest, even though it was at my expense, I was pretty chuffed for him getting third.

Most importantly, I'm definitely improving, getting stronger and loving triathlon. And that's all I could ever ask for. These races may only be small, inconsequential, local affairs, but they can tell you how you're performing and if you're heading in the right direction. Happily, I am. The fact that I've done pretty well after a bout of rest and illness in the past two races has also made me wonder if I may have been overtraining a little here and there, as I've actually felt good and hungry going into these races. Perhaps another lesson to learn?

Next week is the first sprint tri at Wadi Adventure inland in the town of Al Ain. Looking forward to racing in a new venue on a different course.

Making the big decisions

Other than the fact that we both only came to triathlon in our late 20s, there is almost no other way in which my triathlon career resembles that of Chrissie Wellington:

Wellington is a force of nature who stormed on to the Ironman scene in 2007 when she disproved the popular belief that you couldn’t win on your first visit to Kona by becoming World Champion – a feat she repeated in 2008 and 2009.

I limped through my first triathlon with a banged-up old mountain bike, enormous stitch and calf strain – a feat I’ve not repeat again and again but only due to buying a slightly better bike.

Chrissie has smashed Ironman world records year on year.

I once smashed my alarm clock when it made me get up at 4am for a race.

So dominant is Wellington that when she shows up at an Iron distance event these days, the question isn’t whether she’ll win but how many pro guys she’ll beat (known in tri circles as ‘getting chicked’) – the answer to this questions in Roth, Germany, this summer was all but three of them –Chrissie came 4^th overall.

I sometimes get chicked. I’ve been to Germany.

But, for this week at least, I feel I’ve shared an emotional and competition based bond with the great British champion. After those three back-to-back victories at the World Champs in Kona, Hawaii, Chrissie arrived on the Big Island in 2010 as the reddest and hottest of favourites. But, to the surprise of everyone, she pulled out on the morning of the race due to illness.

This year, she was again such a red hot favourite to regain the title that, were she any redder or hotter she’d have been sponsored by Tabasco and leaving a Back To The Future style line of fire tracks behind her on the bike. But disaster struck again when, a few weeks out, Chrissie came off her bike on a training ride. To cut a long story short, she bashed up her body pretty bad and it was touch and go whether she’d make it on to the start line. But she did. And she won. But she described the decision of whether to race – both in 2010 and 2011 – as the hardest of her life.

Do you accept that you’re not at your best and race anyway or do you pull out until you can give a proper demonstration of your training, fitness and race readiness?

That’s what I’ve been asking myself this week. You see, while Chrissie had to decide whether to defend/regain her crown in the biggest triathlon on earth (‘the Superbowl of triathlon’) in Kona  Hawaii, where 3,000 of the very best pros and age groupers go toe-to-toe over the gruelling Iron distance (3.8k swim, 180k bike, 42k marathon run) tackling Hawaii’s legendary winds and iconic scorching lava fields in spite of her debilitating viruses/injuries...I have to decide whether I’ll do our little local sprint (750m swim, 20k bike, 5k run) against 250 athletes here in Dubai which is also quite hot, in spite of having been a bit fluey and having had a chest infection for the last week.

I know, right? The parallels are un-freaking-canny! Like, spooky?

Well, I may have only managed a couple of swims and a bad run in the past 10 days due to doctor’s orders, but there were a couple of decent weeks of training before that and the entry fee has been paid now, so, barring any Chrissie-style virus on the morning of the race (I guess one advantage of not having been allowed to ride is that I couldn’t crash!) I’ll be there.

I may not be chasing world records or world titles – a top 10 would be nice, as would a PR – but I’ll still leave it all out there, with everyone else. Coz we’re triathletes and whether best in the world or first-timer, that’s what we’re there for – to push ourselves. And sometimes, that’s the very best medicine. 

The road to hell is lined with carbon

Triathletes are geeks. Full stop. Even the least nerdish are full-on mega-squares...it simply goes with the territory.

Whether we opt for a simple Timex watch, try a bog standard heart rate monitor or have the latest GPS Garmins on our wrists, we're geeks. No matter whether we're running in trusty Nike Pegasus, a low-slung racer or the newest, shiniest Newtons to his the shelves, we're nerds. And when it comes to tri suits, helmets, bike shoes, CO2, Trainin Peaks, Daily Mile, splits, skin suits, wetsuits...whatever...we're square.

But there's one area in which our full geekery comes out most...the bike. Bikes are, as a rule, things of utter beauty, mechanical marvels. The levels of engineering that go into tri bikes makes them even more sleek and slick. And add carbon anywhere on a bike, it simply magnifies the beauty of the steed.

In fact, it's impossible to make an ugly TT bike...or, so you'd think:

Trek, however, did try to create the world's ugliest tri bike by giving it vomit-inducing colours.

We shouldn't be surprised though, as Trek has something of a track record in puke coloured speed machines.

De Rosa, it seems, mistook this Trek bike for a challenge to produce the worst coloured two-wheeler in the history of mankind...

Yuk, bright yellow. he winner, surely, of the ugliest TT bike ever competition? Oh no, not by a long shot. Not if Quintana Roo has anything to say about it!

 Some bikes have nasty shapes and ridiculous frames. But some seem perfectly fine, but then the designer has a rush of blood to the head and decides on the worst paint job imaginable...

Other bike designers ask themselves "what colour should I make this new bike..? Ah, I know...all of them!"

If that Look TT bike comes across like half bike half 80s explosion, just imagine what you'd get if you cross-pollinated a triathlon bike with a mobility scooter:

 UURRRGH! Please, make it stop! It hurts my eyes. Although at least it shows some sort of imagination - unlike the world's most boring bike, inspired by a set square...

Yuk. Could they make this Giant Trinity any uglier..?

Er, yes, actually, it seems they could.
But it's not just the giant American/Taiwanese firms that are responsible for crimes against solo cycling. Even the old Italian firms famous for usually creating bikes that are more works of art than sporting equipment have made huge mistakes when it comes to TT bikes.

Bianchi, how could you? Oh no, Pinarello, not you too...

Although at least these are recognisable as bikes, with proper triangular frames...unlike this Kestrel monstrosity.

Look ma, no seat tube!

Look ma, no sense of aesthetics!
Ever thought about knocking up a time trial bike at home with things left lying around your garage...Mr Leader did!

Ever wondered what Batman would train on if he were a triathlete?

I say train because we all know that, if Batman really were a triathlete, he'd race on this Ceepo:

Holy aero helmet, Robin!
I think this may well be the ugliest of the lot. It actually makes me feel a little nauseous just looking at it.
Although, imagine you were one of the biggest bike manufacturers in the world and you'd spent millions on developing your new triathlon bike. You spend thousands of hours in the wind tunnel shaping it to cheat the laws of aerodynamics and mould them to its very wont, you'd tapped into the latest NASA discoveries to use a material that made the bike lighter than any of its predecessors. You'd painstakingly chosen colours that subconsciously strike fear into the heart of all those who dare try to get near it. And then, just days before you were about to release this game-changing triathlon behemoth, you realised you'd run out of money before you'd finished the seat post. That'd never happen, right? Well, Cannondale, I can't think of any other excuse for this...