The one where Matt rehashes a load of YouTube clips...

You know when American sitcoms need to buy some time so that their highly-paid team of writers can go off on a ‘team-building and brain-storming retreat’ in Hawaii or Aspen, they always have an episode in which two or three characters find themselves is some ridiculously contrived (stuck in a lift, locked in a cupboard, stranded on a ski lift...) situation. This’ll happen right off the bat and then, just a few minutes in, one of the characters will turn around and say something like: “Hey, well at least it’s not as bad as that time when...”

Cue a giant groan from viewers, a wipe of the brow and snap-shut of the suitcase from the writers, and a chi-ching sound ringing in the ears of the TV station... it’s a lame-ass excuse to just show clips from previous episodes.

Well, I’m afraid to report, that’s kind of what this blog post is. Except I’m bogged down with work and not going to Aspen or Hawaii, and I’m not highly-paid. But I am a writer!

In fact, this particular malignant little wart on the nose of blogland is even worse – I’m just going to pass other people’s work off as my own! Sure most of you have seen these before but, even so, they’re worth rewatching. If you haven’t seen them, prepare for an immersive and yet bizarrely accurate swan dive into the weird, obsessive compulsive mind of the triathlete. We only laugh because they’re true!

One for the newbies...

The magical stat wizard who lives inside my computer (who some folk in the know refer to as Google Analytics) tells me that a surprising number of you – another demonstration, if any were needed, that people would rather look at anything online than do their actual jobs – read this blog. Mr Analytics can also tell me where you are when you read this blog (seriously, 17 of you in Chile!). What Goog-me-old-mucker doesn’t tell me, however, is why.

For a lot of you, the reasons are obvious:

• You’re related to me
• You went to school/uni with me and like to read this blog to remind yourself how much better your life has turned out than mine
• You did a search for ‘shaved legs, lycra, rubber and helmet’ and are now very, very disappointed

But a decent proportion of you, it would seem, are either athletes or triathletes, with a fair whack based here in ye olde Middle East too! But where do you lie on the TRiOMETRE? Are you seasoned pros laughing at my pansy-ass hill climbing skills or are you tri virgins (uh oh, going to disappoint a few more searchers with that one!) looking for tips and advice you can use to nail your own first race?

Given that, during my first sprint tri in the UK, my stem came lose leading to my base bar slipping all over the shop and rendering my bike almost unrideable and resulting in me doing the second lap of the bike course simultaneously pedalling, holding an Allen key tight to keep the bars upright, and steering with the stem itself...you’d be forgiven for thinking that I’m hardly a font of all triathlon knowledge.

But, you’d be wrong. Coz I’m a triathlete. So I think I know it all! Easy week you say, coach? Yeah sure! In risk of an overuse injury am I doctor? Increase the mileage! Not in Ironman shape? Pah, sub 10!

Bizarrely though, I know some folk who actually think they know better than me:

This here hirsute young chap is Faris Al-Sultan. He’s the current European Ironman Champ and won the World Ironman Championship in Kona, Hawaii, in 2005. Yeah, he’s pretty good. He’s also the captain of Team Abu Dhabi so I caught up with him to have a chat about the upcoming Abu Dhabi International Triathlon which will take place on 3 March. What should newbies or those erring on the inexperienced side do to prepare, I asked Faris?

“Practise a variety of swim drills regularly to highlight weaknesses and have a swim stroke technician analyse your technique. Also it’s important to train in choppy seas to practise drafting behind a partner– all the while getting used to wearing the wetsuit and race goggles needed for the race.”

Got it? Good. I’ve actually ridden in a large group ride with Faris before and in the final sprint, I put my head down, shrunk into a tight wind-defying aero tuck and started powering out the sort of wattage usually only seen from steam locomotives. Faris passed me, sat bolt upright, juggling and whistling the German national anthem. To be fair, he later admitted he was in the top gear of his unicycle. So, he’s not bad on a bike.

“When it comes to cycling, train in groups to work on race techniques such as going round a corner fast and climbing inclines efficiently. Make sure you practise these both seated and out of the saddle.”

Some people, I point out, don’t have the hours and hours that pros have to dedicate to endless biking sessions. This is my best shot at a ‘get a real job, punk!’ type slur, but Faris takes in on his bearded chin and carries on...

“If you only have a short period of time, attempt very hard and fast intervals on a home trainer which is a great way to build power. Remember to have your bike setup analysed to make sure you are maximising comfort and aerodynamics.”

Damn it, he’s good!

So, I move on to the UAE-based adventurer Adrian Hayes, who’ll also be taking part in Abu Dhabi International Triathlon. Adrian is a world record-breaking polar explorer who has summited Mount Everest, walked all the way to both Poles and recently followed in the footsteps of Wilfred Thesiger by crossing the Empty Quarter desert. Yeah well, wotevs, I climbed Kilimanjaro for Gulf4Good, I point out. I know, I was with you, counters Adrian. I’ve done an Ironman, I fight back. I’ve done one faster, he retorts.   

Alright champ, tell the newbies what they want to know:

“Climbing hills is a good speed, strength and technique workout. Even if you are training for long distance, leg speed is very important and will help you run much more efficiently. Also do faster interval workouts in your race day shoes to promote good technique and to ensure you’re comfortable in them.”

It’s last chance saloon for my tri ego. Next up, certified physiotherapist Katherina Ringer, a key adviser for Abu Dhabi International Triathlon. See... physiotherapist...not even a triathlete! I am going to put her in her place, I am going to astound her with my triathlon knowledge, shock and awe, I think, shock and awe...

Me: Hi pretty lady.

KR: Er, hi. I’m the Abu Dhabi Tri Team physiotherapist.

Me: He he he, you’ve got lovely skin.

KR: Right, so, training and body conditioning should be personalised to the athlete’s fitness and experience levels.

Me: Mmmmm.

KR: Consistency over several months is much more important than doing a lot in one week.

Me: (uhoh, she knows what she’s talking about!)

KR: So, make sure you combine three training intensities – long easy workouts, tempo race pace sessions, and high intensity speed technique workouts.

Joking aside, this is all top advice from people who actually know what they’re talking about. Take it on board, apply it in training, and you’ll fly through your first races feeling great and finishing strong. Then, before you know it, you’ll no longer be a newbie, and you’ll get to think you know better than everyone else too!

There's still time to enter ADIT and see how you get on against Faris, Adrian or, well, me: http://www.abudhabitriathlon.com/

Twitter: http://twitter.com/AbuDhabiTri  

                       

Did you hear the one about the uninjured triathlete..?

There's a common saying that states something like there are two types of runners: those who have an injury, and those who are coming back from an injury. It's a simplification, of course, but it's pretty damn accurate all the same.

As triathletes, we like to think of ourselves as being above that – after all, we 'cross-train', we have the muscular non weight-bearing benefits of also swimming and cycling, right? Yet, visit any triathlon club in the world and you'll likely find that 90% of members are currently injured, trying to balance an injury with training or have just come back from time off with an injury. Except me...or so I thought. I'm bulletproof. Not in a cool Batfink way, but in a 'haha sport, you can't injure me' kinda way!

I broke loads of bones playing football growing up, but that's bones, right, not muscular. I even broke my neck in a swimming accident as a nipper but that was contact (namely, head making fairly rapid contact with the bottom of a pool), not a tendon strain. Sure, I get sore after big bouts of training, marathons and Ironman, but I recover. I decided that all that swimming (remember: non weight-bearing, not that my head and neck could tell the difference when they had that run-in with the tiles), football (not American football, or Aussie rules all you Yanks and Home & Away-makers out there, but actual football where you kick a ball with, y'know, your foot), rugby and tennis had given me an all-round athleticism that'd carry me through any event and see me walk from a World War 1 battlefield with a couple of scratches and throbbing headache.

Till Monday night.

My programme had me riding for 2:20 which I managed fine (thanks for the company Mr Le Pelley – excellent, as ever) in pretty blustery conditions. After quickly throwing my bike into the car (read: stopping, taking a giant leak, having a little chat with a few folks, putting the bike in the car, changing clothes, putting my trainers on, having another pee) I ran out of the car park ready for the scheduled 9k brick run holding 4:30s, which I'd managed the previous two weeks. The first 4k were fine but over the next kilometre, the lower part of my right leg got tighter and tighter till I could hardly run. After 5k, I stopped and stretched it out but it was no good, so I did the sensible thing and jogged slowly back to the car – not easy when it's the first session I've had to cut short since I joined T2A.

Having not had a tri-related injury before, and weirdly priding myself on that (hey, it's my thing), I worried about it all night. I stretched before bed and when I got up. I decided that the cold (yep, even in Dubai...) could have been responsible. I knew I'd been putting in some serious kilometres this month too, maybe it was a pure overuse strain... I'd have to see.

Luckily, I felt no ill effects yesterday. I took the morning off and ran 7k in the evening, 6k at a steady 4:30 pace. I could tell where the stiffness and soreness had been but it was fine. I was bulletproof again! (I realise that having put all these thoughts into words, I'm tempting an almighty karmic bitch slap of epic proportions to come and snap my achiles clean in two or push me off my bike at 50kph, but...)

POWEEE! Who's the monkey now?

But the experience did make me think about some things. I heard someone say that triathlon is not something you do, a triathlete is something you are; while cheesy enough to make vomit-inducing bumper sticker, there's something in this. I realised that I've been doing the kilometres and training hard, sure, but don't always look after myself in the way I should. And, if I want to stay (relatively) uninjured, I have to start. That means more stretching; an occasional ice bath (i.e. when a long weekend finishes with a 26k run); sports massages; wearing the compression stuff (both for training and recovery) that I once swore by; looking after my nutrition both during and immediately after long sessions; taking a rest day and not using it to catch up on other sessions I had to miss due to work.

While I don't prescribe to the idea that being a triathlete has to inform and shape every fibre of my being, I know that consistency is the key to improvement and meeting my objectives in the sport, and the key to consistency is remaining uninjured. 

Plus, given the way I sulk when inflicted with even the lightest dose of the deadly man flu, I'm not sure how I'd cope with a real in jury!

Man Flu: tragically misunderstood

Big fat blow-out and a spot of catch up

Another month has passed and another disappointing lack of blogging from a young Mr Warnock. But new year, new leaf. And I feel the creative juices, not to mention motivation, welling up inside me once again. But before I go about entertaining you like a monkey in a waistcoat playing the cymbals, making you laugh more than a fat woman falling of a swing, and educating you more enjoyably than a school with Stephen Fry as the headmaster (how cool would that be?), I figure we’ve some catching up to do, you and me.

Firstly the Creek Striders Half Marathon that I spoke about last time. In short, what an event. The course looped up and around the creekside roads of Dubai, up and over some of Dubai’s iconic bridges, and sections of the course actually went through the souks in Bur Dubai – best road race I’ve ever done (admittedly, that’s not many). It was also a great atmosphere with a huge fry-up breakfast afterwards. In terms of performance, I did 1:33 – a 3 minute PB ona  far harder course than the PB was set on. Given that I’d not done much long running at all, I was pretty happy with that. In February, I’ll be racing the RAK HalfMarathon – the flat and fast race in which I set my previous PB and, as my current programme does feature a weekly long run (26kms), I’m gunning to go sub 1:30 for the first time there.

Xmas and New Year were both perfectly pleasant but, to be honest, having returned to the UK for my nan’s funeral just a week before, I wasn’t feeling too festive. I missed my family a lot and couldn’t stop thinking how tough it must have been for my mum and dad. This translated into a lack of motivation on the training front too – I missed more sessions at the end of December than I think I’ve missed all year, but I wasn’t too fussed. Did manage an Xmas morning sea swim with some of the T2A gang, which was a highlight.

Just after Christmas, my friend Janey (actually an ex but we’ve stayed quite close) came to visit on her way back from Thailand, and we had a really nice time – with a few other friends joining for a couple of days too. I took a few days off work, took all four days off training, ate too much, drank every night and it was lovely. I was sad to see them go as it’d been such a welcome break and diversion, but I dropped them at the airport at 5am on Friday morning and went straight to join in with the Dubai Roadsters 120k-er – and absolutely loved every kilometre of it. The motivation came flooding back – it’s a ride I’ve not done for quite a while and I was amazed at how much easier I found the pace, how I could join in all the sprints, and how easily I could motor up the few little climbs that used to leave me trailing far behind. Progress is the greatest form of motivation, when you can see it that clearly. The highlight of that ride was joining the ‘fast group’ for the last 45kms and averaging in excess of 40kph (assisted by a large peloton and tailwind, but still...) and being led out by former Ironman World Champion Faris Al Sultan who is sponsored by Abu Dhabi and does quite a bit of his winter training here in the UAE. Mercifully, he actually wore full shorts and a long-sleeved bike jersey...

He'd have been cold wearing this...

Since then, I’ve not really looked back. Coach sent me my Jan schedule through and it’s by far the biggest I’ve ever done – way more kms than I was doing in peak Ironman training even (tho more favourable conditions than Dubai in August help with that) and it’s just what I needed. It’s basically a base training month with very little intensity, but I’m loving getting all these kilometres in my legs, especially on the bike which I have a bit of a like-hatehatehate relationship with at times. 

I think the other reason for the motivation racing back faster than a drunk to last orders is that a few big races are now in sight – before, they were very much on the horizon but I’m almost able to start counting the weeks down now. That helps a lot.

Other than all the training, life is generally consisting of a monumental SHITLOAD (sorry ma, but it really is a shitload!) of work as we race to get products out for the end of the financial year. In the office for 56 hours last week; in the pool, on the bike and on the road for another 20...doesn’t leave much time for much else, tho I don’t mind that so much right now.

So, there we go, you’re all up-to-date, au courant, al dia, with what’s going on here. Hasta pronto, amigos.