Unexpected results of training for an Ironman

You expect the sore legs, extreme hunger, lack of social life, looks of ‘are you actually insane?’ from people you talk to, and even the saddle soreness. But training for Ironman has revealed a whole load of other things that not one IM programme or Beginner’s Guide To Going Long book has ever one told me.

1. Learn to be less precious about your body. Heat rash, nails falling out, bloody nipples, whole strips of skin being worn away…all par for the course.
2. You’ll end up doing more washing than the average small hotel.
   Two workouts a day + 40 degree temperatures = a constant flow of washing through the machine.
3. Some people will get defensive and tell you about their prior athletic achievements. Now, it’s nice that you’re sharing, and I always encourage anyone to get involved and be passionate about sports (particularly endurance sports) but no, just coz you were ‘pretty useful on a BMX’ or ‘got all your swim badges’ three decades ago, you still couldn’t do a triathlon without training and, while I may not be Andraes Raelert, if you came swimming/riding/running with me, it’d make you cry like a little girl.
4. If someone told you that sticking feathers in your hair and flapping your arms like a chicken would cool your core temperature by even 0.01°C, you’d do it in a heartbeat.
5. Baths are awesome – hot, cold, steaming, filled with ice…they all soothe my aching body.
6. Vaseline, Body Glide, chamois cream…anything that reduces chaffing is worth its weight in gold.
7. My car requires less upkeep and servicing than my bike does. By this point, it’s also probably worth less than my bike.
8. You can ridicule me as much as you like, wearing compression tights after a hard session is a luxury I’ll never give up. Baggy trackie bottoms the rest of the time!
9. Those who don’t do this will never quite comprehend the sheer guilt-free bliss that is an eat-and-drink-as-much-as-you-want brunch after a 6 hour brick workout!
10. 6 hour brick session + drink-as-much-as-you-want brunch = lightweight disaster.